Am I There Yet?

It has been a while since my last post. Specifically, it has been five months since my last post. And in that time, many things have happened. I have relapsed into depression, I have hurdled some of the greatest challenges in my career, met new people, and all in all just grew even more. One day, when I have graduated, I will look back on my whole college experience as this immense opportunity for growth. I have never grown as much as I have in this time. While college has brought me to a level lower than even a worm’s feet, it has also forced me to build myself back up from nothing.

 I have been bombarded with harsh truths for a long time, and because of this, I became so disllusioned and lost. But if there’s one word to describe growing up, it’s incorrigible. The world will not baby you. Life will not slow down just because you can’t catch up. So what if your superior is too demanding? So what if you already have a ton of deadlines to meet and you just found out you’ve been given another one? You still have to adjust and deliver. At first it was overwhelming, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to anymore. That is just how the world works. If you can’t function, you’ll stop; and stopping is not an option for me. I was previously tired of working so hard, but now I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I just want to power through and come out strong. I want to one day be able to say without the tiniest hint of doubt that I am proud of myself. I don’t know when that will come, but I’m trying as hard as I can to make sure that it’s soon. 

One way that I’m trying to do that is by complaining less. I know myself better now. I’m sure that if I keep complaining, I will not be able to get any work done. I just try to concentrate more on getting whatever it is I need to do done. I have been quite proud of myself so far. I’m now doing a two-month internship away from home, and though it comes with its share of stress, it has been exhilarating to get a taste of the independent life. I have been sheltered for twenty-one years by my protective parents and brother. For the first time in my life, I don’t have them protecting me or stifling me. I can eat ice cream in the middle of the night just because I want to, I can drink without someone lecturing me about being a classy lady, and I’m in charge of my own schedule. This is not to say that I don’t love them; I do with my whole heart. But living under the hawk-eye gaze of my family with my independent spirit can get tiresome. There are many things you can’t do when you have conservative parents even if the millennial generation makes many previously scandalous things socially acceptable. Drinking and getting a tattoo, for example. My mother and I have gotten into fights because she will not be moved in her conviction that ladies will not be respected if they drink alcohol. Call it the old-fashioned probinsyana in my mother. My father still sees me as a little girl because he doesn’t see me as often. My older brother thinks I need protecting all the time because I’m the youngest. I’m trying to ease them out of their mindset little by little. 

But I digress. Manila has been so interesting. I come home, cook my own meals, do my own chores, take care of myself. Adjusting to the new environment hasn’t been that hard either. Philippine General Hospital is much like Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in a different dialect. Same adrenaline rush, same variation of patients. My Tagalog isn’t all that good, but it’s decent. It’s not just my career that’s been going through major changes. I’ve been meeting new people and seeing new places and changing to adapt to those new people and places. Even if it hasn’t exactly turned out the way I wanted it to and I thought it would, I cannot wait for more.