Self-Destruction Part I

I never believed in sacrifice

I thought

It was the kingdom

Of the martyrs

I believed

It was a masochistic rationalization

Of the self-harm one did

Convincing himself

That it was for the greater good

I did not believe in bleeding

For imperfect people

Who do not deserve

My untainted, selfish tears
I thought Jesus

Chose to live in heaven

Not to die for us

In the ultimate sacrifice

But to escape us,

The monsters He has created.

And He sits atop His throne of gold

Watching from afar in sadness

Because His offspring,

His pride and joy

Are too far gone

For salvation
I turned my nose up

At the rest who came after him

The saints who willingly

Subjected themselves

To burning, disembowelment, drowning

All forms of torture

For the religion they loved so

And I found myself in consternation

At the lovesick

Those who deluded themselves

Into thinking

That the person they loved

Loved them in return

And kept the delusion alive

With pills, alcohol, and drugs

Imagining every blow a gentle caress

Every hurtful word a kiss

Crying themselves to sleep every night

Just to repeat the cycle the next morning
No, I decided

I would not allow myself

To undergo such pain

No cause, person, or thing

Was good enough for my suffering

My heart was made of cold, cold ice

My bones, of the hardest rock

Fire flowed through my electric veins

That ran freely under my skin of steel

I thought myself indestructible
That is, until I met you.

You shone a light in my life

So bright

It burned me

Your ideas inflamed my soul

Your very being shook me to my core

And before I knew what was happening,

My promise to myself

Crumbled to dust

My indestructible self shattered

You stripped me of my armor

Until I was vulnerable and scared

More naked than I could ever be

Even with all my clothes on
And every word you say to me from hereon

Will wound me

Draw blood from my very soul

Your touch will leave its mark

In the form of scars

That will never truly heal

Because the only antidote

For the pain you dealt me

Will be the love

That you cannot give me
Yet who am I to force you

When you are happy

With someone else?

For the first time

I no longer care

For my self-preservation

My love for you

Is my ruination

And you will be the death of me

But your happiness is my happiness

No matter if it kills me


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